you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
