i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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