i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
