You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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