i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
