I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Randomize
