remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
