thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
