She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
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I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
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I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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