Pappa wants mamma naked
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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