If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
