You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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