it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
