sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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