Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
