lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
