my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
