i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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