I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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