I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize
