i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
True but thats because hes a fetus.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
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The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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