Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
