Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
