Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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