You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
