is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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