my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
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this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
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Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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