sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
