I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
