R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
