I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Randomize
