they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Sorry about my life...
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
