Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
We need a shit load of segways right now
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
