My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
did i walk over a car last night?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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