I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
