My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
