Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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