Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
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