apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
