11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
