I'm so fucking centered right now
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
