i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
