after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
