Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
