ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
