Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
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