some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
You're like the curious george of whores
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
