i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
