I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
