The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
