Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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