Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
