oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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