I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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