it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
